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9.2.2014
The Ones We Love

Destroy

Run. Run as far away as you can. You know this life is unsustainable. You have no reason to stay. Any reasons you could come up with are immaterial and, ultimately, wishful thinking. You've done it before. You know you're capable of starting over. You would be able to keep the same jobs, too. Even get paid better if you moved to a certain somewhere. It's just a house. It's just stuff. You are you wherever you go.

Control

Stay. Stay for as long as you can. You'll never have a place like this ever again. You'll be under someone else's thumb again if you leave. All your friends are here. It's fucking exhausting starting over. Living where it snows sucks. You'd only be doing it due to lack of other options. Running is for cowards. How has running ever helped you in the past? You have never stayed. Not once. Because staying means that you need something. And when you need something, you can get hurt.

Synthesis

Let go. Just let go. You stay in your house because you're afraid of living. Short bursts are okay but anything real absolutely terrifies you. Because you mistakenly thought you had something real before. Now that supposedly real thing is rearing its ugly head after all this time and you still cling to it. Like the edge of a cliff. The thing is you've already been through the fall. It's the letting go that scares you. You know that there's so much life out there but you're scared that you'll never reach the level that you did before. And you also know that's bullshit. Surrender. Even though you don't have control anyway, you should still surrender. What comes after this? What comes after living like you're afraid the mob is coming after you? I'll tell you what. Nothing.

We never stay, and in the end, we lose everyone.

So now what? Wait for the email telling you it's over. Wait for another saying if you can stay. Wait for another telling you if there's any option other than burning it all down again.

Just keep waiting. It's what you're best at.



Posted at 09:10 pm by jinx_me34

T
September 28, 2014   12:14 AM PDT
 
Thanks.
Deirdre
September 19, 2014   03:37 PM PDT
 
No thoughts to offer but just wanted to let you know I hear you.
 

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